Rebuilding

I was in a relationship for almost two and a half years. I think I'm finally free.

At first it was all me. I pushed him away, put up walls, all that jazz. But he broke through. He fought hard for me. And I finally let him in. In the second year, he seemed to think he didn't need to try any more.

And then it was my turn. To break through his walls. Only his were harder, taller walls, with barbed wire on top. It was painful trying to get through. I would threaten to give up, to break up. But I was no longer worth fighting for. He would just let me go. And I would always come back.

Some of the hardest months of my life were spent desperately trying to win back his love. I was pathetic. I thought, 'Don't give up. Never give up.' But in a way, I HAD given up. I had given up my dignity. The true me would never have respected this weak, desperate shell of myself.

The worst part was that we weren't in a relationship, but he still accepted everything I did for him. He still talked to me, hung out with me, kissed me, cuddled with me, all that jazz. When we were together, usually doing something physical, I would convince myself that this was it: that I'd finally gotten him to love me again. He seemed to love me during those times. Then it would shatter instantly before my eyes. It broke my heart all over again with each and every disappointment.

The other day, something snapped. We were having a typical fight. And finally, I said something I never even thought I believed. I told him he doesn't deserve me anymore. "You're so lucky to have me around," I said, "and you don't even know it." That felt so good. And that's not giving up. That's moving on. That's growing up.

It's going to take every inch of strength within me to restrain the urge to call him up. But I think I'll be able to rediscover that strength this time. I have felt something lift from my heart.

I've been concentrating on work, friends, and other things. I need to fill out transfer applications for next fall. Hopefully all these distractions will keep me feeling strong and independent. Next year I will go to a new school and meet new people, and I will study to become a Special Ed. Teacher, like I have dreamed.

My life dissolved in the years I devoted to him. Now I have to rebuild it entirely. It's time to make a life for myself. My OWN life, revolved around ME. I have sacrificed too much for him. The past is over, and now is about the future. Now is the time to plan a future that will make ME happy... with or without a man in my life.

And so the rest of my life begins........