The other LGcrackers will understand my choice of music today.
LIKE OMIGOD. I love Lonelygirl15 like WHOA. OH EM GEE-PERS.
The Season finale was yesterday. I had to go to sleep so I didn't get to see Part 4 till this morning. So far it had been good, but no surprises. But Part 4 -- OMG -- major twist!!! I miss Bree so much, just hearing her name makes me happy. How sad? lol
I LOVE DANIEL. Like I seriously have the biggest stupid girly girl crush on him EVER. I feel like I'm 12 again or something. (Except I'm actually almost 19 so I'm legal... hit me up Yousef -wink wink nudge nudge)... If you still question Yousef's incredible-ness, watch this video of him out of character:
Oh and Jackson's sexy too. I'd settle for him if Yousef rejected me.. I guess. XD
Is it possible to be "just friends" with your first love?
My ex and I decided to hang out this weekend as "just friends." It was nice because I missed him so much. And I mean, after all we've been through, he knows me better than anyone else. Like I said in my last post, I never feel any reason to talk to other people about myself or my thoughts. Except I kind of do with him.
A lot of the time when I'm trying to make sense of my thoughts, I feel the need to tell him about them. Even though he's a stupid boy and is never of any help whatsoever. It just helps to have someone know, and to listen to myself say it. Trying to put thoughts into words often helps me understand what I'm feeling. Because a lot of the time, I can't really determine what exactly I'm feeling or why exactly I'm feeling that way. But, if I'm trying to explain it to someone, it helps me explain it to myself a little. Does that make sense?
So, what if there's always a little something between me and him? Maybe it'll help keep him in my life. At this point, I really want him in my life. I've missed him so badly. I've just felt empty. He really is my best friend.
Doesn't every girl have a secret crush on her best guy friend?
And who knows? Maybe one day, after college and all this "finding ourselves" bullshit is over, we'll get back together.
Or maybe I'll find someone that actually treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
Hey, I never said I'd forgotten all the pain he's caused me.
I had a hard time letting him in. It took months...probably over a year...before I finally let down my walls, so to speak. And then look where it got me. As soon as I teared down my walls, he built his own.
The next guy can thank Mike for all the shit I'm going to put him through before I let him in. It's going to take A LOT for me to let anyone in again.
Just to conclude with something as corny as possible, I'll leave you with this: "All in all, they were all just bricks in the wall."
The song I chose today might draw some skepticism. Please don't assume I'm stupid because of it. I do know that the singer is whining and that emo sucks most of the time. But the music is actually really pretty and the lyrics are lovely and fit my current state of mind beautifully. Something Corporate isn't bad at all, but this was one of their early songs. I don't know what the singer was trying to do, but his nasal voice in the song is a bit unbearable. Try to enjoy the background music and the lyrics for what they're worth, though.
Anyway, I'm kinda sad right now. I was fine up until last night. Something kind of hit me, and I got really depressed. I don't feel like pouring my heart out much, but I needed somewhere to go and be sad rather than calling up my ex-boyfriend.
You know, it's weird how much I keep to myself. I used to tell everyone everything. But that was when I was younger. Now emotions seem to last longer. And they are harder to identify. Plus, most of the time, I know what people will say when I tell them what I'm thinking, so why bother? I'm actually a very expressive person, but often I feel it's pointless to tell anyone what is happening. It feels strange when I think about how little my friends know about me.
I mean, I tell them concrete things, I guess. Like, I tell them that I broke up with my boyfriend.
...Okay my attention span just collapsed.
Another thing that's on my mind, is the presidential election. I'm having a terribly hard time choosing between Hillary and Obama. I mean, I went to New Hampshire and saw them both, and I agree mainly with both of their politics (although I am probably further left than both of them). But, realistically, anyone who is as far left as me would get NOTHING done. If I were President, I would be way too liberal and nothing would happen because my morals wouldn't allow me to compromise with conservatives.
So, it's between Hillary and Obama, both for me and the nation, it seems. Right now, I am trying to determine which one I can trust. So far I've only concluded that I can't trust either of them.
I was in a relationship for almost two and a half years. I think I'm finally free.
At first it was all me. I pushed him away, put up walls, all that jazz. But he broke through. He fought hard for me. And I finally let him in. In the second year, he seemed to think he didn't need to try any more.
And then it was my turn. To break through his walls. Only his were harder, taller walls, with barbed wire on top. It was painful trying to get through. I would threaten to give up, to break up. But I was no longer worth fighting for. He would just let me go. And I would always come back.
Some of the hardest months of my life were spent desperately trying to win back his love. I was pathetic. I thought, 'Don't give up. Never give up.' But in a way, I HAD given up. I had given up my dignity. The true me would never have respected this weak, desperate shell of myself.
The worst part was that we weren't in a relationship, but he still accepted everything I did for him. He still talked to me, hung out with me, kissed me, cuddled with me, all that jazz. When we were together, usually doing something physical, I would convince myself that this was it: that I'd finally gotten him to love me again. He seemed to love me during those times. Then it would shatter instantly before my eyes. It broke my heart all over again with each and every disappointment.
The other day, something snapped. We were having a typical fight. And finally, I said something I never even thought I believed. I told him he doesn't deserve me anymore. "You're so lucky to have me around," I said, "and you don't even know it." That felt so good. And that's not giving up. That's moving on. That's growing up.
It's going to take every inch of strength within me to restrain the urge to call him up. But I think I'll be able to rediscover that strength this time. I have felt something lift from my heart.
I've been concentrating on work, friends, and other things. I need to fill out transfer applications for next fall. Hopefully all these distractions will keep me feeling strong and independent. Next year I will go to a new school and meet new people, and I will study to become a Special Ed. Teacher, like I have dreamed.
My life dissolved in the years I devoted to him. Now I have to rebuild it entirely. It's time to make a life for myself. My OWN life, revolved around ME. I have sacrificed too much for him. The past is over, and now is about the future. Now is the time to plan a future that will make ME happy... with or without a man in my life.
Senior year of high school I took an AP course (meaning college level in my district) in psychology. Perhaps part of my fascination with mental illness, as well as normal mentality, is because of my own mental issues.
So I'm thinking, where do you draw the line? I hoped that the class would answer that for me, and yet I still ask myself the same question all the time. There are different standards, of course. As for legal "insanity"... legal to be used in court as justification of a crime... one must fail to distinguish between right and wrong in order to be considered insane. Thankfully, I have no intention of becoming a lawyer, because how the fuck do you prove that someone doesn't know the difference between right and wrong?!?!! Cudos, lawyers.
But, for a psychologist, it's much more complicated. We learned that a problem becomes a diagnosable (word? hm..) illness when the problem A) blocks the person in question's ability to live a normal life, B) blocks people around the person in question's ability to live a normal life, and C).... something else? SHIT I forgot. Whatever, it was basically if a person is irrational, hurting himself and others, and if the problem persists for an extended period of time. Like, if someone is depressed because his whole family died, he isn't crazy. But if someone is depressed three years later because of the same thing, to the point where it affects his regular thoughts and actions, then he's crazy.
So, if anything traumatic fucks you up for the rest of your life, you're crazy. If you never get over the death of a loved one, if you never let go of your first love, if you never forgive yourself for giving up your dreams...... you're mentally ill.
So, that narrows it down, right? Honestly, who isn't mentally ill these days? One could argue that just about anyone is crazy. We're all fucked up. I've met lots of "mentally ill" people, but I've never met anyone that sees dead people, or talks to voices in his head, or conjures whacko conspiracy theories -- wait, strike that last one.
Right now, I could probably sit here and diagnose everyone I know with a mental illness. Yet, they all know the difference between right and wrong.
Has anyone read Prozac Nation? It was horrible. Basically, this chick whines about her experience with depression, which apparently was a much bigger deal than anyone else's experience with the same goddamn problems. But in her defense, could you blame her? Her parents got divorced, her mom was high-strung and annoying, and she was never carried off on a white horse by prince charming... nothing spectacular, but hey, she was unhappy. I applaud her for drowning out the voices in her head!
So my parents have problems. My brother is socially retarded, yet academically and creatively brilliant. His talents far exceed my own. My dog was taken away from me at age 5. My first babysitter and former best friend died of breast cancer. I'm not pretty or thin. My best friend of 10 years and I no longer speak because she went out with my first boyfriend three days after we broke up and then blew off every effort I made to maintain the friendship. My first love is incapable of showing emotion and I show way too much. The list goes on and on.
... all that and I still don't see dead people. Wow.
But still, maybe I am crazy. I mean, what if I don't think the way other people do? Sometimes I feel like my mind operates differently than anyone else's. What if I never find anyone that understands me? What if I'm doomed to relationships like the one I'm kind of not in anymore right now? What if, for the rest of my life, I have to suffer eternal heartache because I feel so isolated and alone even when surrounded by people?
This is beginning to sound like a fucking Fall Out Boy song. Peace out. >_>
It's hard to describe me, because I can change at any given moment. I'm unpredictable. And then, sometimes I am predictable. But isn't everyone predictable, sometimes? ***********************************
Every time I update my blog, I will put a new song on it. The music on my blog relates DIRECTLY to how I am feeling when I put it there.
