Scattered Thoughts and Spontaneous Ramblings.

The other LGcrackers will understand my choice of music today.

LIKE OMIGOD.
I love Lonelygirl15 like WHOA. OH EM GEE-PERS.

The Season finale was yesterday. I had to go to sleep so I didn't get to see Part 4 till this morning. So far it had been good, but no surprises. But Part 4 -- OMG -- major twist!!! I miss Bree so much, just hearing her name makes me happy. How sad? lol

I LOVE DANIEL. Like I seriously have the biggest stupid girly girl crush on him EVER. I feel like I'm 12 again or something. (Except I'm actually almost 19 so I'm legal... hit me up Yousef -wink wink nudge nudge)... If you still question Yousef's incredible-ness, watch this video of him out of character:

Oh and Jackson's sexy too. I'd settle for him if Yousef rejected me.. I guess. XD

Mother, did it have to be so high?

2008-01-23T00:48:00.000-05:00

Is it possible to be "just friends" with your first love?

My ex and I decided to hang out this weekend as "just friends." It was nice because I missed him so much. And I mean, after all we've been through, he knows me better than anyone else. Like I said in my last post, I never feel any reason to talk to other people about myself or my thoughts. Except I kind of do with him.

A lot of the time when I'm trying to make sense of my thoughts, I feel the need to tell him about them. Even though he's a stupid boy and is never of any help whatsoever. It just helps to have someone know, and to listen to myself say it. Trying to put thoughts into words often helps me understand what I'm feeling. Because a lot of the time, I can't really determine what exactly I'm feeling or why exactly I'm feeling that way. But, if I'm trying to explain it to someone, it helps me explain it to myself a little. Does that make sense?

So, what if there's always a little something between me and him? Maybe it'll help keep him in my life. At this point, I really want him in my life. I've missed him so badly. I've just felt empty. He really is my best friend.

Doesn't every girl have a secret crush on her best guy friend?

And who knows? Maybe one day, after college and all this "finding ourselves" bullshit is over, we'll get back together.

Or maybe I'll find someone that actually treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

Hey, I never said I'd forgotten all the pain he's caused me.

I had a hard time letting him in. It took months...probably over a year...before I finally let down my walls, so to speak. And then look where it got me. As soon as I teared down my walls, he built his own.

The next guy can thank Mike for all the shit I'm going to put him through before I let him in. It's going to take A LOT for me to let anyone in again.

Just to conclude with something as corny as possible, I'll leave you with this:
"All in all, they were all just bricks in the wall."

Goodnight.

Rant.

2008-01-14T00:48:00.001-05:00

The song I chose today might draw some skepticism. Please don't assume I'm stupid because of it. I do know that the singer is whining and that emo sucks most of the time. But the music is actually really pretty and the lyrics are lovely and fit my current state of mind beautifully. Something Corporate isn't bad at all, but this was one of their early songs. I don't know what the singer was trying to do, but his nasal voice in the song is a bit unbearable. Try to enjoy the background music and the lyrics for what they're worth, though.

Anyway, I'm kinda sad right now. I was fine up until last night. Something kind of hit me, and I got really depressed. I don't feel like pouring my heart out much, but I needed somewhere to go and be sad rather than calling up my ex-boyfriend.

You know, it's weird how much I keep to myself. I used to tell everyone everything. But that was when I was younger. Now emotions seem to last longer. And they are harder to identify. Plus, most of the time, I know what people will say when I tell them what I'm thinking, so why bother? I'm actually a very expressive person, but often I feel it's pointless to tell anyone what is happening. It feels strange when I think about how little my friends know about me.

I mean, I tell them concrete things, I guess. Like, I tell them that I broke up with my boyfriend.

...Okay my attention span just collapsed.

Another thing that's on my mind, is the presidential election. I'm having a terribly hard time choosing between Hillary and Obama. I mean, I went to New Hampshire and saw them both, and I agree mainly with both of their politics (although I am probably further left than both of them). But, realistically, anyone who is as far left as me would get NOTHING done. If I were President, I would be way too liberal and nothing would happen because my morals wouldn't allow me to compromise with conservatives.

So, it's between Hillary and Obama, both for me and the nation, it seems. Right now, I am trying to determine which one I can trust. So far I've only concluded that I can't trust either of them.

Lovely, isn't it?
Goodnight.

Rebuilding

2008-01-10T01:43:00.000-05:00

I was in a relationship for almost two and a half years. I think I'm finally free.

At first it was all me. I pushed him away, put up walls, all that jazz. But he broke through. He fought hard for me. And I finally let him in. In the second year, he seemed to think he didn't need to try any more.

And then it was my turn. To break through his walls. Only his were harder, taller walls, with barbed wire on top. It was painful trying to get through. I would threaten to give up, to break up. But I was no longer worth fighting for. He would just let me go. And I would always come back.

Some of the hardest months of my life were spent desperately trying to win back his love. I was pathetic. I thought, 'Don't give up. Never give up.' But in a way, I HAD given up. I had given up my dignity. The true me would never have respected this weak, desperate shell of myself.

The worst part was that we weren't in a relationship, but he still accepted everything I did for him. He still talked to me, hung out with me, kissed me, cuddled with me, all that jazz. When we were together, usually doing something physical, I would convince myself that this was it: that I'd finally gotten him to love me again. He seemed to love me during those times. Then it would shatter instantly before my eyes. It broke my heart all over again with each and every disappointment.

The other day, something snapped. We were having a typical fight. And finally, I said something I never even thought I believed. I told him he doesn't deserve me anymore. "You're so lucky to have me around," I said, "and you don't even know it." That felt so good. And that's not giving up. That's moving on. That's growing up.

It's going to take every inch of strength within me to restrain the urge to call him up. But I think I'll be able to rediscover that strength this time. I have felt something lift from my heart.

I've been concentrating on work, friends, and other things. I need to fill out transfer applications for next fall. Hopefully all these distractions will keep me feeling strong and independent. Next year I will go to a new school and meet new people, and I will study to become a Special Ed. Teacher, like I have dreamed.

My life dissolved in the years I devoted to him. Now I have to rebuild it entirely. It's time to make a life for myself. My OWN life, revolved around ME. I have sacrificed too much for him. The past is over, and now is about the future. Now is the time to plan a future that will make ME happy... with or without a man in my life.

And so the rest of my life begins........

Mental Illness

2007-12-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

Senior year of high school I took an AP course (meaning college level in my district) in psychology. Perhaps part of my fascination with mental illness, as well as normal mentality, is because of my own mental issues.

So I'm thinking, where do you draw the line? I hoped that the class would answer that for me, and yet I still ask myself the same question all the time. There are different standards, of course. As for legal "insanity"... legal to be used in court as justification of a crime... one must fail to distinguish between right and wrong in order to be considered insane. Thankfully, I have no intention of becoming a lawyer, because how the fuck do you prove that someone doesn't know the difference between right and wrong?!?!! Cudos, lawyers.

But, for a psychologist, it's much more complicated. We learned that a problem becomes a diagnosable (word? hm..) illness when the problem A) blocks the person in question's ability to live a normal life, B) blocks people around the person in question's ability to live a normal life, and C).... something else? SHIT I forgot. Whatever, it was basically if a person is irrational, hurting himself and others, and if the problem persists for an extended period of time. Like, if someone is depressed because his whole family died, he isn't crazy. But if someone is depressed three years later because of the same thing, to the point where it affects his regular thoughts and actions, then he's crazy.

So, if anything traumatic fucks you up for the rest of your life, you're crazy.
If you never get over the death of a loved one, if you never let go of your first love, if you never forgive yourself for giving up your dreams...... you're mentally ill.

So, that narrows it down, right?
Honestly, who isn't mentally ill these days? One could argue that just about anyone is crazy. We're all fucked up. I've met lots of "mentally ill" people, but I've never met anyone that sees dead people, or talks to voices in his head, or conjures whacko conspiracy theories -- wait, strike that last one.

Right now, I could probably sit here and diagnose everyone I know with a mental illness. Yet, they all know the difference between right and wrong.

Has anyone read Prozac Nation? It was horrible. Basically, this chick whines about her experience with depression, which apparently was a much bigger deal than anyone else's experience with the same goddamn problems. But in her defense, could you blame her? Her parents got divorced, her mom was high-strung and annoying, and she was never carried off on a white horse by prince charming... nothing spectacular, but hey, she was unhappy. I applaud her for drowning out the voices in her head!

So my parents have problems. My brother is socially retarded, yet academically and creatively brilliant. His talents far exceed my own. My dog was taken away from me at age 5. My first babysitter and former best friend died of breast cancer. I'm not pretty or thin. My best friend of 10 years and I no longer speak because she went out with my first boyfriend three days after we broke up and then blew off every effort I made to maintain the friendship. My first love is incapable of showing emotion and I show way too much. The list goes on and on.

... all that and I still don't see dead people. Wow.

But still, maybe I am crazy. I mean, what if I don't think the way other people do? Sometimes I feel like my mind operates differently than anyone else's. What if I never find anyone that understands me? What if I'm doomed to relationships like the one I'm kind of not in anymore right now? What if, for the rest of my life, I have to suffer eternal heartache because I feel so isolated and alone even when surrounded by people?

This is beginning to sound like a fucking Fall Out Boy song.
Peace out. >_>

Jamie Lynn Spears and Me

2007-12-20T01:11:00.000-05:00

Today I decided to read through my high school yearbook. About 90% of the comments said "I know you will succeed" or something along those lines. By this, I assume they mean that I will do well in college and get a good job. Ay carumba. At this rate, I will be too ashamed to attend my high school reunion.

Everyone is so hyped up about Jamie Lynn Spears. For those of you living in a box, she's pregnant at age sixteen. SHE'S RUINING HER LIFE OMIGOD.

Really? I mean, she's a star. Money won't be an issue. She wanted to be an actress, and she is one. So why would she need college? Does she even go to school? I'm sure she gets tutored or something. Whatever it is... she can probably still manage a high school degree if she REALLY wants to. But I really don't think it's necessary. Maybe she'll be miserable because she can't go out and party with her friends every night. Or maybe it will protect her from getting stuck in the drug scene of other young hollywood stars. Or maybe it won't, and she'll neglect the baby and go out and party anyway.

Maybe she's ending her childhood way too soon.

Or, maybe it ended long ago.

Why do we set expectations of other people? Why do we set standards for others? Why is it any of our business? We should be living up to our own standards, not the ones set by others. But do we have our own standards? Or are we too busy setting standards for people around us to notice that we don't know where we want to go?

Peace & Love

College = Happiness?

2007-12-18T21:56:00.000-05:00

Why do people go to college? Is it to expand their minds? Not usually. Is it because they need the degree to have a "successful" career? Indeed.

Ironically, about 80 percent of college students (disclaimer: not a factual statistic) have absolutely NO idea what they want to do after college. Frequently, students spend half, if not more, of their college experience trying to figure this out.

So, people attend college, not out of determination, but out of fear.

The fear of having to face themselves. In order to choose your path in life, don't you have to know yourself? So people are more likely to know themselves at age 22 than at age 18? It just doesn't work that way.

And what if I know myself already? I have a job that could easily become full time. I love it. I hate school. So why am I still in school? Why am I spending 12,000 dollars per semester?

I'd like to say it's because my parents wouldn't let me drop out. Which is true. And I don't want to make my parents sound like the type to pressure their kids unfairly. My parents are very good ones and I have never felt forced into anything I didn't want to do (except piano lessons, Hebrew school, psychotherapy...) -AHEM- anyway...

If I'm being honest with myself, would I actually drop out of college if my parents allowed it? The world today is under the illusion that money fosters happiness. Money comes from having a good job, which can only be attained with some college degree. Is this true? Have we done our research?

I'm going to avoid using the obvious example of Hollywood celebrities.
But let's look at some every day people: The owner of the local pizza place gets by pretty well, I'm sure. Mechanics, plumbers, carpenters ....probably not dirt poor. The mailman is by no means poor, plus he/she gets plenty of exercise (though a not-so-sexy tan).
These are typical, average human beings who probably didn't follow the conventional ideal life: go to college, find a job, make money, get married, have kids, retire well. Cops have awesome retirement plans, and they only need a year or two of school (I think).
With a full time job at United Cerebral Palsy, I would be making enough money to support myself. I have no intention of raising any children by myself, so if I do have children, my salary will hopefully be combined with my husband's. I might have to make small sacrifices (i.e. hold off on getting a dog), but I feel like I'm sacrificing more to go to school.

But the bigger question is: would I be happy?
Well, I'd be doing what I love every day. I would be less concerned with silly letters and numbers that supposedly represent my intelligence. I would be doing something I'm good at, which would help my self esteem, rather than school which only worsens it. I might not be able to wear Hollister jeans or drive a Mercedez (not that I'm used to that kind of lifestyle), but I really don't care. That is not what I need for happiness. A heavy wallet can't love me, hug me, kiss me, or make me laugh. What do I need it for?

Yes, money is essential for a happy life, to an extent. Because of what it represents: survival. Food, shelter, security, health -- that's where money is necessary. But you don't need to be a teacher or a lawyer to pay for any of that.

You learn in high school that without a college degree, you can't find a decent job. "You'll regret it later." "You won't be able to support yourself." "You'll spend your life asking, 'would you like fries with that?'"

Now, unless I'm mistaken, I've already addressed the last two statements. As for the first one, well, if the second two aren't true, perhaps it negates the first one? I mean, if you spend your life doing something you like, and you're able to support yourself, will you regret not becoming a doctor or a lawyer? People say sometimes that they wish they'd "done something better with their lives" or that they regret not "making a bigger impact on the world". But honestly, how many of those people found a job they liked? Perhaps if they'd gone to college, they could have found a more fulfilling career -- but perhaps not. Furthermore, how many people say that that DID go to college, and DO live comfortable lives? In other words, before you succumb to the pressure of worrying you'll regret taking a chance, compare the size of two groups: people who regret risks they took versus people who regret taking the safe road. The retort "better safe than sorry" just won't do here. This isn't buckling your seatbelt; this is choosing what to do with your time spent living.

People like to throw around the phrase "Live for the moment." It's been so overused that it faded to cliche long ago. Fifteen year old girls like to put it on their AIM profiles, and they think it means they can go to parties with college boys to get shitfaced and lose their virginity (which may or may not exist). But really, think about it. How many of us live for the moment? I personally spend most of my high school career with my eyes on college. And now I'm miserable in college and just trying to get through it so I can get a job that will make me happy, right? Is everything in life a preparation? School for college, college for career, career for retirement, retirement ...for death? Great. Perfect. Why does everything we do today have to make or break us tomorrow?

I'm sick of following the conventional life pattern. Why am I in college? To get a job doing... exactly what I do now? Or is it because I'm afraid to stray from the traditional path of American life?

Peace & Love,
Loretta

P.S. To be clear, I am not advising anyone to give up their dreams. If your dream is to be wealthy, or to be a doctor or a lawyer, by all means, go to college. Enjoy.

Typical "First Blog" Post

2007-12-18T00:36:00.000-05:00

12:35 A.M. Eastern Standard Time. Does that make you want to burst out singing any particular show tune?

So how do I begin? My name is Loretta and I'm eighteen. Enough said?

I'm weird. I'm a dork. I'm lonely and confused.
Typical typical typical. Stretch. Yawn.

More about me will be revealed through my future ramblings, of course. But for now, this will have to do:

I'm a writer. I write fiction and poetry.
I like LonelyGirl15 and Quarterlife. And YouTube.
I go to college. I'm flunking everything except my creative writing class. Go figure.
I'm secretly very smart.
I have plenty of potential, but I didn't ask for it, so I don't care.
I work at United Cerebral Palsy as a classroom aide. I could work full time, but I'm afraid to ask my parents if I can quit school. I never have and never will have any desire or intention of becoming a millionaire. I think people who live humbly are cool. I don't think my life would be worth any less if I spent the next four years doing what I love, which involves helping to enrich and provide love for physically and mentally handicapped children, rather than sleeping through classes and stressing over anything less than an A.

But more about that later. Right now, I have to do two papers that were due last week, and study for final exams.

I like irony.

Peace & Love